09.22.08
Where have I been?
Where have I been?, you might ask (or maybe not, if you’ve quit reading this blog for lack of any posts). I’ve been working, day and night it seems, for the last several months. My VPN software was both a blessing and a curse, allowing me to get a lot done in a day, yet work beyond my 40-hour week. It wasn’t just one week, but several weeks in a row, all connected to become a month (or more- I’ve lost count).
Why so much work? I don’t know. When it rains, it pours, right? Several projects converged at one time, like overflowing streams flowing into one river that overspread its banks. I was swept away in the ensuing flood, caught up in the powerful current and pulled downstream away from familiar landmarks. I was planning my nights and weekends around work, cramming it in when my family wasn’t around, finding myself disappointed when my evening plans prevented me from working additional hours.
Then the unexpected happened. No, I didn’t burnout in a ball of flames. My laptop died on me. My whole absurd work-from-home obsession came to a screeching halt in one failed boot of my laptop. I’ve never felt so lost. It wasn’t that I lost files or programs; those were backed up. It was that I lost control. I lost myself.
I’m happy to report that I have a new laptop and most of my files and programs have been restored. We’re learning about one another, sort of like a very long first date. I’m re-installing the VPN software, but will not be obsessed with using it every night and weekend. I can’t read, relax, write or spend time with my family if I can’t wait for them to get out of my way so I can just get some work done. The work will be there in the morning, waiting for me as it always has. If it doesn’t get done by 5pm, then too bad. I can’t lose control and lose myself again. If I do that, then who will be there to do the work– at any time of the day?
08.21.08
Frantic days, exhausted nights
My to-do list and projects lists are expanding at a mind-boggling rate these days. It seems as though I just get a few things done and checked off my lists, then five more tasks magically materialize to replace them. I’m juggling more balls than a circus clown on speed. I have tasks and reminders scribbled on scraps of paper, recorded in my Outlook tasks, and listed on my Excel spreadsheet. Some are overlapping while others are listed only once– and subject to being lost among the growing piles on my desk (again!). Will I ever return to the peaceful days when I sometimes grew bored with routine tasks and long gaps between special projects? Most days now there’s hardly time for me to catch my breath, much less daydream.
I haven’t written much in this blog lately because I’m finding it impossible to relax long enough so I can think, which enables me to write, which enables me to think some more. My brain needs periods of quiet and introspection in order to digest and absorb the dozens of random thoughts running wild through it. Writing helps me to lasso those thoughts into an orderly herd, so I can lead them to productive outcomes at work. Without introspection and writing, those thoughts get jumbled up and tumbled up, stepping all over each other in their frantic dance. If too many of them are dancing about in my brain, no to-do list or priority list can tame them. The end result– my brain freezes up and I accomplish nothing. I feel like a scratched track on a CD– skip, skip, skip– no forward movement through my day.
I collapse into bed every night, despite having so many thoughts buzzing through my head up until it hits the pillow. I find myself hungering for the weekends, hoping I can rest and renew my energy, both physical and mental, before I face yet another hectic week. I often wonder how long I will be able to keep up with this breakneck pace of managing so many new projects, most of them with no end in sight. I know I should be thankful for my job when so many people are losing theirs in this economy. It’s just that sometimes it’s hard to appreciate what you have when you’re so close to the beast that you can’t see the whites of its eyes.
06.11.08
A juggling act
Some days when I arrive at my office, my mind is abuzz with everything I need to do. Some tasks I do daily, like sending files of bibliographic records to Marcive for authority control or checking catalogers’ work as they cross-train into other areas. Other tasks are part of bigger projects, like updating documentation, filling out vendor profiles, or reviewing vendor work to assess the quality of shelf-ready books. Some days all tasks get pushed to the side as meetings, webinars, and employee counseling sessions eat into my time. Some tasks like the six-month overdue employee performance appraisals never get started, much less finished, because something else of burning importance invariably comes up.
It’s a never-ending juggling act that sometimes leaves me literally short of breath– I mean shallow breathing, hyperventilating, short of breath. It comes from the feeling that everything, from small task to big project, is due right now– a feeling that all are of equal importance and high priority. In my mind, I know this isn’t possible or even realistic. But in my panicked heart of hearts, I sometimes wonder if it will all crush me some day, like a tiny bug under a size 11 shoe.
Thanks to the stress, my hair is graying at a faster rate than some of my staff are working in a day’s time. My facial skin is breaking out and the skin on my forearms is getting blotchy (probably just age spots). I’m skipping lunch, working late, and I never exercise any more (bad, bad, I know). I think I look perennially tired, but thankfully, nobody has pointed it out to me (yet). I have more to read, to do, and to think about than ever before.
Despite all the stress, I’m enjoying the challengesof my job more than ever before. We’re starting a digitization project with OCLC’s CONTENTdm software, we’re getting shelf-ready books from two (and possibly three) vendors, we’re looking at ways to streamline our cataloging and processing procedures, we’re going to install Innovative Interfaces’ Floating Collections product, and I’m still trying to re-organize my department’s workflow and cross train staff in response to a consultant’s recommendations last fall. All of this is in addition to serving on numerous committees within and outside of my library. Every so often I drop a ball or two, but not for long. There’s always someone to remind me to pick it back up again.
05.18.08
Pollyanna
I took home a bunch of work this weekend, thinking I’d spend some time doing it so I could feel caught up come Monday morning. I should have known better. I already have too much work to do at home, so what was I thinking? I do the same thing every night– take home way too much to read, compile, summarize, or even absorb. Now I find myself doing the same most weekends. Sometimes I wish I could slip a professional journal under my pillow and through osmosis, absorb the latest library information contained within it.
I wish I could multi-task even more than I do. I want to do not three or four things at once, but ten. I want to compile statistics while browsing my email, file papers while scanning my blogs, and catalog problem books while checking staff work. And as each new day dawns, like a perennial dummy, I think “This is the day I will get it all done.” Pollyanna strikes again!
I wish I had the capability to have a really good idea of what I can realistically accomplish in an hour, or a day, or a week. I’m too optimistic for my own good. For example, this weekend I brought home a vendor profile to finish filling out, an employee performance appraisal to start working on, 2 professional magazines to read, several management binders to re-read (so I could get into the right frame of mind to tackle the appraisal), and 2 sets of conference notes to summarize. It was not fun toting home all that stuff and it’ll be less fun dragging it back Monday morning– especially knowing I didn’t touch any of it. What was I thinking? I should ask Pollyanna– I’m sure she knows the answer.
